on a new year

 I was thinking about writing about the last year, but really 2020 needs to get in the bin and instead, let's look forward to the future and leave all that negativity behind us.

These aren't resolutions so much, but rather a list of loose goals/things to look forward to because we all need a bit of positivity lately.

1. getting my covid vaccine

My vasculitis means I am classed as 'clinically extremely vulnerable' and so I am no longer allowed out of the house. But yesterday I got the call, well, text and I'll be getting my vaccine next Tuesday assuming all goes well. After which, I still won't be allowed out of the house but at least I can worry less about it.

2. developing my craft skills

Crafting was probably one of the few things keeping me sane last year, I finally finished my first ever pair of socks (casted on in 2014....), I crocheted a jumper and I've made all sorts of amigurumi friends. I've got a whole list of projects I want to crack on with, I keep buying more and more yarn, it's starting to take over the place. I want to start creating my own patterns, I've started to dabble but I've got a long ways to go

my first socks! you can see all the mistakes

3. growing my* twitch channel

alright, it's not my twitch channel, at the moment I'd say I own about 20%, but that's just for now! the bff and I have started playing zelda together through internet magic. Well, she plays and I watch, but it's been great fun and one of the other things keeping me sane lately.

aaaaaand that might be about it, nothing else is for certain this year, will I see kelly? will I get to go on holiday? will I ever see the inside of the office again? who knows? not me!

keep washing yo' hands, y'all

Vasculitis 2: The Revenge

 I feel I can write this now without the fear that I'll be jinxing anything.

But picture the scene:

There's a pandemic on, you haven't really left the house except to buy food, you have an ear infection.

I've been getting these recurring ear infections over the last two years or so, my outer ear would become very painful, swollen and red, I'd go to the doctor, he'd prescribe antibiotics and the infection would go away in a week or so.

I have another infection, but this it's switched from my right ear to my left, bit odd, but I guess that can happen. I call the doctor, he prescribes antibiotics over the phone, I go take them. A week or so later, my ear is no better, I now go see the doctor in person, a blood test is done. Uh oh cheerios, these blood test results don't look so good, better refer you to rheumatology. Oh hey, it's my old rheumatologist and ohhh, oh no, it's not an ear infection at all. My vasculitis is back baby, and is attacking my ears and seemingly my kidneys? Better refer you to the kidney doctors and ENT doctors as well. Whilst you're at it, have a CT scan, okay?

So all of that gubbins to get to where I am today. My vasculitis has relapsed, I'm back on prednisolone which I haaaate with a burning passion. On the plus side, the kidney doctor isn't particularly worried about my kidneys, so that's a plus. ENT doctor doesn't want to see me unless my ears blow up again. Makes sense, there's nothing to look at otherwise.

I had a CT scan to make sure the vasculitis wasn't causing any unseen havoc on my insidey bits, there was a particular concern about my windpipe being affected, but from a vasculitis side of things, my CT scan came back all clear! What a relief!

But I do be having a lump in my right boob.

I wasn't anxious about the vasculitis returning, I've been there, done that, got the scars. I feel well in myself and that's a huge bonus from last time when I spent 4 months in hospital. But for the first few days after hearing about my boob lump and being referred to the breast clinic, I was okay, I told myself it was highly likely to be benign and statistically, I was moderately low risk.

But then, the 3am reading starts. Maybe it's the just the way I handle things, but I read everything I could about breast cancer, completely devouring websites and downloading pdf leaflets in the dead of night, convincing myself more and more that, yes, I definitely had breast cancer because I am just that unlucky. I didn't sleep a lot for about two weeks straight, because I spent all night worrying about it.

I go to the breast clinic, I have an ultrasound and a biopsy is taken there and then. I go home. Truthfully, the worst part of all of this was waiting. I would have happily taken a positive diagnosis if I got said diagnosis much sooner. I don't wish to sound flippant or be dismissive of breast cancer, I know this is a devastating illness that steals so many lives. But I wasn't afraid of treatment, I've been through surgery and pain, none of that would be new to me. I rationalised in my mind, that if, according to Cancer Research UK, 1 in 2 people born in the UK would be diagnosed with cancer, then why not me? I would much rather face breast cancer than have any of my friends or family do so. This isn't some self-sacrificing thing, on the contrary, I am very selfish, I want my friends and family to be okay.

Turns out, it was benign after all and I had just spent all that time and energy worrying about it like a complete dumbass. Oh well, time to put this whole sorry affair behind me. Except, my mum's been called back after a routine mammogram and in my completely rational mind, this was my fault: that 1 in 2 chance, that coin had been flipped, and it wasn't me with breast cancer then it must be my mum. There goes another week of worrying and not sleeping.

After all that, it was a shadow on the boob. Not even a lump. What a drama queen.

I'm a pretty girl, I'm stunning

So where are we now? I still have vasculitis, my ears have yet to fall off and I don't appear to be in any danger of my trachea collapsing and suffocating me any time soon. You win some, you lose some. 

On simpler times

Once again, I have been reminded that I've paid for this domain and my god, I will at least post once a year to make it worth it.

Speaking of years, do you remember 2019? Those were the days when we were allowed out of the house and could go to the pub, eat out and get pushed up against sweaty bodies at concerts. I can't say I miss the sweaty bodies, and there's nothing technically stopping me from going to the pub, but... that's where all the corona is.

Seeing that the last time I posted, I was talking about my trip to Brussels (remember when we could go on holiday?!), I will briefly sum up some nice, positive things that happened in 2019 that my sleep-deprived brain can remember.

1. bought a car
   One fateful morning, I was doing my usual search on Autotrader, during working hours, ofc, when I saw it, the Hyundai i10 of my dreams, not only that but she was next door at the car dealership over the road. I popped down at lunchtime to take a look and told myself that I would not be buying the first car I saw. Reader, I then immediately bought the first car I saw. The amount of personal freedom owning a car has brought me, I genuinely regret not learning to drive sooner, but better late than never, or something.
   
   
   
   since then I've managed to scrape both wing mirrors in two separate multi-storey car parks
   
   
2.  saw BTS at Wembley
   Saw my emotional support kpop boys for the second time, (and I should have seen them a third time if it weren't for Miss Rona...), they were excellent as always and I spent most of the weekend queueing for things and it was very hot.
   
   
   
   low-quality photo of high-quality men
   
   
3. went to Amsterdam
   the 30th birthday celebrations continued when Kelly and I took the Eurostar to Amsterdam, it was great! Ate a lot of food, went to the Anne Frank house, spent too much in the Miffy store, ate more food, didn't consume any whacky baccy and spent the entire train journey home really wanting a sausage roll. Classic.
   
   
   
   so pretty
   
   
4. got a new elbow
   my plastic surgeon finally fit me in to sort my left elbow out, it's not a new elbow in the way that folk get new knees, but rather in same way that you might get a new nose. where there was a massive dent in my elbow, it has now been smoothed out and it looks so much better. This was done last October. I am still waiting for my 6 week follow up appointment (thanks corona).
   
   
   
   here, I had just woken up and immediately took a selfie.
   
   
5. got a new job
   We knew for a long time that we were due to go through a restructure and that there would be some job losses, but as a service, we thought we would get by mostly unharmed. Boy, were we wrong. Both my seconded and substantive posts got deleted and the best they could offer me was a role for less money a year, and because I was seconded I would not qualify for one year's protected pay. To say it felt like a bit of a kick in the teeth would be an understatement. And then the exact same job as mine, for more cash money came up at a different authority, so I applied, got it and promptly fucked off. Public sector 4 lyfe, baybeeee.

And that really is the highlights of my 2019.
2020, so far, has been a journey and I'm not just talking about the 'rona. but that's another story for another day, maybe I'll actually write about it sometime before August 2021.

until then, wash your hands and wear a mask,

Bière et Frites

Insert your own"I forgot to update my own blog" here. Who cares? I certainly don't.

So have some updates:

• got promoted. that was cool
• ofsted arrived. that was less cool.
• passed my driving test. that was super cool.

No idea how I managed to pass my driving test, at several points I thought to myself "this is it, I've fucked it, I've failed". But incredibly, the examiner passed me and my pink license has already arrived and no takesie-backsies DVLA!

But I had no time to do anything with my new found freedom, as I said goodbye to sunny England and said hello to equally sunny Belgium (that is to say: not at all) as part of my bestie and I's 30th birthday year extravaganza. That's not the official name.

Despite Mercury being in Retrograde and that being the worst possible time to travel anywhere (hello airline going to administration), everything worked out alright. Flight was only delayed by an hour and a half. No big deal.

Then my clear plastic liquids bag got rejected by security in Birmingham in what was possibly the biggest injustice to ever happen to anyone in the history of mankind. More on this later. 

Our plane (in case you've never seen one before)

My bestie and I boarded the plane and made it to Brussels largely unscathed and after checking in at our hotel, there was only really one thing we could do at 11pm: go out for beer.

Delirium Red. It's 'aight.

I just want to say straight off the bat: I LOVE these glasses, look at the cute little elephants! If I didn't have to worry about these making back it to England in one piece in my carry-on luggage. I would have bought two. Maybe five.

Day two saw the first waffle consumed (avec nutella) and then we got the Metro to the Atomium. The Atomium was pretty sweet, can't pretend I understood the point or the meaning of the mini raves but I thoroughly enjoyed the escalator tubes and looking down into Mini Europe from above because fuck paying 15€ for that.

mmm balls

Then we ate frites. I came all this way and I wasn't going to leave without getting my chops round some chips. These were from some rando frites merchant near the Atomium and outside the cinema. Really good serving size and would recommend. Had mine with samurai sauce at Kelly's suggestion. It's like Nando's perinaise on crack. So good, we went to Carrefour so Kelly could smuggle it back into England.

Partly because it was cold and windy and partly because it was 'free' (free in the sense that you had already paid for it with the Atomium ticket) we went to the ADAM Design Museum. I imagine they called it that because 'The Plastic Museum' wouldn't nearly catch on as well. Although there was a funky exhibit on nightclubs and discos? Idk but there were some bangin' disco tunes.

I had wondered where my interview outfit went.

I'm trying not to go into excruciating detail about the minutiae of everything we did because no one wants to read that. But safely assume we drank a lot of beer, ate lots of waffles and ate plenty of frites. Also, we had Korean BBQ because of course we did.

Sunday, I attempted to renegotiate Brexit, but EU's closed on Sundays so that's cool. I guess

she's beauty she's grace she shoves chips in her face

Sadly, all good things must come to an end and it was time to go back to merry old England. At least the flight was on time and I didn't miss my train.

Next up: Amsterdam. Speaking of, Duolingo is bothering me to learn some Dutch. Hashtag Not Sponsored.

Until next time

New Year Resolutions 2018

2017 has ended and I proved to myself yet again my inability to maintain a blog, but it got to the point sometime in November where I just thought "fuck it, it'll be January soon enough" new year, new start and all that.

Not that during my absence I've put any thought into what I want this blog to about, so for now, it'll just be me posting different seemingly unconnected things until I settle into something.

2017 is the first year since my illness where I'm feeling I'm finally getting to who I'm supposed to be. It got off to a rocky start, I ended up back on anti-depressants and my overall physical and mental wellbeing was so astoundingly low, but from June onwards, this year has been so much better for me. 

The biggest thing, when looking back, is my weight or should I say it's no longer the biggest thing about me anymore?

(it probably still is, technically)

Say what you will about diet clubs like Weight Watchers or Slimming World, but since joining Weight Watchers, I've noticed massive changes in myself. The biggest being losing 43lbs, or just over 3st. I still want to lose another 20lbs or so before reaching goal weight, but I'm ready really happy with my progress and like I've said elsewhere, I'm beginning to like who I am.

I've always had issues with self-esteem and most of that stems from the unfortunate truth that I am ugly and have been overweight since puberty. There's not a great deal I can do about the structure of my face, but I can lose weight. I'm starting to look in the mirror and like what I see, I'm not 100% there and there are still days where I still feel I look like a giant sentient potato, but every now and again, there are moments where I think I look good.

Maybe it's the outfit I'm wearing, or I did my makeup particularly well that day or the current lighting is just forgiving, but the combination of all these factors just falling into place makes me think that sometimes, just sometimes, I look alright.

The number of selfies on my phone has increased exponentially over 2017. I should be embarrassed.

I like losing weight, I like liking what I see in the mirror, I like being able to wear smaller dress sizes, I love that my confidence has increased tenfold. And if I get all of this from joining a diet club then what's the problem??

There are other good things that have happened that don't revolve around my appearance, one being my learning of SQL. This time last year I had very minimal knowledge of any sql, I knew you had to select column from table and that was about it that.

Then I was thrown into a business trip down south where my only purpose was to write sql and make reports work. That first morning I was so overwhelmed, I was in over my head, I had no idea what I was doing and I'll admit that. Then something clicked and then I just got it. Since then, I've spent a significant amount of my working hours writing sql, and copy and pasting from Stack Overflow. But I enjoy it, even if it frustrates me sometimes to no end, I love the feeling when I finally get a tricky bit of sql to actually work.

I'm a huge nerd. So sue me.

of course, there have been smaller achievements/good things that have happened this year: I got a new tattoo, got some new ear piercings, learnt to make up better (relatively, I'm still pretty poor) and maybe most importantly, I got a permanent position at work.

Now for my personal resolutions for the new year

My New Years Resolutions for 2018:

Get to goal weight: this year I'm going to be at a healthy weight for the first time since being a teenager, easily. as mentioned above, I've only got 20lbs to go to get to goal and I know I can do it.

Post on here more often: can I go a whole year of posting at least once a month? (because, you know, that by itself will be an improvement from what I'm currently doing) I'm going to try to aim for at least once a week though.

Learn to drive:  my bff and parents bought me driving lessons for Christmas, and my very first lesson is booked in for the 3rd January. I don't know if 12 months is a reasonable time to try and pass my test, but just getting lessons in is a strong start. At the very least, I hope to pass my theory test this year.

Be better

And there we have it, let's hope for better days in 2018.

Of my 28th birthday

Earlier this month I turned 28 years old. On that same day, I was hospitalised. It was my body's refusal to keep down any oral antibiotics for tonsillitis that left me hooked up to an IV for a few days.

It happens.

Being in hospital again (yes, again) made me think about myself and what I'm doing. I have two years before I turn 30 and I'm barely adulting at the best of times. I can't cook, I can't drive, I have a savings account but Lord knows there's next to nothing in there and then I look on Facebook and see all the folk I used to go to school with and they're all getting married, having children, buying houses and I'm just over here, standing still. 

I don't particularly want to get married or have children so what am I getting envious about? 


So I'm going to do something about it. I'm going to try and implement some positive change in my life, learn to cook a handful of meals, start driving lessons, get back into bullet journaling. Hell, I'll take just writing more frequently and being able to maintain a blog a minor victory.

Wish me luck.

Or don't. I can't tell you what to do.